Until I Had You…

Mom with her babies

Dear Kids,

Do you know how much I love you? I know I give you a lot of hugs and kisses, and I know I tell you, but do you really know how much I love you? You see, until I had you I never knew that I’d struggle to find the ways and the words to show my love. Motherhood has changed me and my love goes so incredibly deep that there really aren’t words to describe how much you mean to me.

With that love, comes and inexplainable amount of worry. Until I had you I never thought about things like house fires, mass shootings, brain tumors, or all the other horrible things out there. I worry if I play with you enough, I worry if my words ever hurt you, and I worry if I’m giving you my full attention, which you deserve. I worry about what I’m feeding you-is it enough? Is it nutritious? I worry about teeth brushing and screen time. These things can overwhelm and consume me if I let them. From the big things to the little things, until I had you I thought I had it all figured out. You challenge me in ways that I didn’t know existed and to be honest, I live for those moments where we learn about each other. Until I had you I didn’t realize how much of myself I didn’t know. I’m finding myself, and finding my way. We are on this adventure together. You’ve changed me and given me a life that I dreamed of.

I know I am not perfect, and I won’t ever tell you that perfection is attainable or even desirable. We learn from our mistakes and the goal is to live a perfectly imperfect life by finding joy in those imperfections. I try to shut out the evil in this world and delight in the fact that there is still so much love and beauty in the simple act of being a mom. Until I had you I didn’t realize how much the sound of another human’s laughter could make my heart explode. I live for those moments of uncontrollable silliness that we have together. Until I had you I never appreciated the sound of feet running around in our house. I always liked things to be neat and clean, until I had you are saw that there can be such magic in a mess. Breathing in your sweet smell intoxicates me and feeling your soft, fresh little hands in mine is my favorite.

I pray, more than I have ever prayed before but until I had you my prayers were selfish and centered on trivial things. Now, I pray that you follow your heart, I pray that you are happy, I pray that you find peace and I pray so hard that you know just how loved you are. Until I had you I didn’t know that a mother needs her kids, probably more than they need her. I never knew that you would save me and give my life purpose. You’ve given me perspective and a whole new light on life. Until I had you I didn’t know what an exhausting and amazingly beautiful life I would have. Until I had you, my heart and soul weren’t complete. Thank you for making me a mom and thank you for completing me. I cannot promise you perfection, I cannot promise you that I’ve got this  all figured out. But, I can promise you that I will forever love you with every ounce of my heart and soul.

I love you.


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