The Unwanted

Mom sleeping while kids play

Think back to that very first moment that you found out you were expecting… What were you doing? What were you thinking? How did you feel? Was the pregnancy planned or a surprise? Were you ready to be a parent or did the thought give you anxiety? Did you have worries? Did you tell people or wait out the 12-13 weeks? Think about that second you learned you were going to be a mom, that someone would eventually call you mama or mommy and that you would become the entire world to a beautiful tiny person.

If you’re like me, thinking about this moment gives you all the feels. There really isn’t a feeling or emotion that compares to that moment when you first see those two pink lines. It is an emotion like no other, regardless of whether you have been trying for years, or you’re faced with a surprise pregnancy, it is safe to say that the moment is more memorable than words can even say.

So, how did I go from the most euphoric and exciting moment of my life, to feeling more exhausted, both physically and emotionally, than I’ve ever felt before? You see, I knew all of the things. I had worked with tiny humans for years, taken all the college classes, and I fully knew what I was getting myself into. My husband and I wanted kids from the minute we got married, which is pretty much what happened. Then, it happened again and BAM just like that we were a family of four, before we could even catch our breath.

Caught up in the whirlwind of parenting, keeping up with our home, my career and life in general left me feeling exhausted and defeated more often than I’d like to admit. On top of the exhaustion came another new emotional experience of guilt mixed with confusion. How did I go from the elation that came with learning we were pregnant, to feeling like I was doing it all wrong?

Every day seems to just be a new day for me to screw up and feel like a crummy mom.

I think to myself “no, this isn’t how this is supposed be, take me back to the unicorns, rainbows and glitter that came along with the glamour of anticipated motherhood!”

To add to the feelings of inadequacy, social media is zero help.

Scrolling though Facebook does me no good, watching all of the moms who seemingly have it all together only enhances my guilt. There is no denying that I love my tiny humans more than I ever thought to be humanly possible and I love being their mom, but I hate the emotional rollercoaster that comes along with it. There I said it. I hate the intense emotions that came with being a mom. What is more is that no one even prepared me for this. I was ready for the love, the snuggles, the playing, laughing and fun. I’ll even venture to say that I was ready for the endless laundry, sleepless nights, and ‘mombie’ eyes that motherhood inevitably brings.

But no one told me about the overwhelming feelings of guilt, the feelings of not being enough and the feeling of being on a hamster wheel. No one told me that along with that indescribable love would come fear, worry, and selfdoubt. I’d always considered myself a fairly confident person, comfortable in my own skin and positive. But now my decisions are riddled with second guesses and I find that I am all too often unsatisfied with the ‘momming’ I do.

This isn’t a hopeless cry for help. No need to worry…I haven’t officially lost my mind. I’m simply a mom who is willing to put it out there that this wasn’t what I expected and sometimes it just downright sucks. Yes, I love my children and I wouldn’t trade my life for the world. They are everything to me and I live and breathe to make them happy.

However, the emotions that came packaged as an unwanted surprise side dish to the main course of motherhood can kiss it.

Keep your guilt, keep your irritability, keep your sadness, worry, and fear and leave me with my kids, their sweet smells, hugs, and snuggles because motherhood, sometimes you just STINK.

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